What could have been

Denial is a beautiful thing. God gave me denial so I could make it through this experience. It has been a false since of security that has against all odds worked out in my favor. 

I notice now, after it all, how truly awful Jacob's circumstance really was. I knew threw it all the possibilities ahead. I had faith in his promised outcome. However, my security in his survival was unquestionably skewed. 

At the cardiologist I was told go straight to the hospital. If you can make it in 2 hrs or less go. Get in the car and go now. Go in through the ER, have them page your Dr, they should admit you immediately. I remember asking the Dr, "What are the chances he doesn't make it to the Hospital?" The Dr's response, "He has been here 3 weeks. It would be really bad timing if he died in the next 2 hours." What did I hear through this conversation? "There is something wrong with Jake's heart. He's going to need to go to the hospital. Stanford's a good place to go and they can take care of him. Don't worry he'll be fine, you'll make it no problem." Don't get me wrong, I was still shaken up. I had still found out my 3 week old had to go to the hospital and was going to need a surgery. How serious though, I had no idea! 

As we learned the severity of his condition I felt I was always one step behind the Drs. It wasn't until after he had been recess orated that we learned he had stopped breathing. We had this idea that he was doing great and would continue as long as he got his surgery in time. 

Surgery came 2 days early, that was good. Except, looking back, that ment out of all of the babies in the cardio NICU our was the worst. Critical enough to warrant a Sunday surgery (the only surgery that day). On weekdays the hospital does between 2 and 4 surgeries, weekends only maybe 1 per day if necessary. We were told our surgeon preferred Sunday procedures, so we though we were lucky to get the Sunday slot... Really, Jacob was just in a really critical place. 

I heard 93-98% survival, rather than 2-7% death rate. Even going to arguably the best surgeon in the world every 50 surgeries at least one of those babies passes. And Jake was a high risk case. If you were told you had a 1/50 chance of that you wouldn't make it, and if you make it 3/50 chance of serious injury, would you feel confident? NO! Thank goodness we did not see it that way.

We pretty much bet he would come back with the open chest. How crazy! We were relieved when we saw him wheel by us in the hall with nothing but a piece of mesh and plastic wrap separating us from his beating heart. 

I sat there with 2 doctors, a nurse, and respiratory therapist all watching Jakes recovery the first day. I though it was that we were just at a good hospital. Yes. We were at a great hospital, but that was proof of how serious the situation really was. When look back on pictures I see 9 different medication lines. At the time I saw 3 had been turned off. 

Even still I find that I have a different view of normal. When I see Jake's scar I think of how great it looks. When I get him dressed I'm grateful he is beginning to grow out of his preemie sizes (at 7 weeks old).

 He is growing bigger. He is getting stronger. I am so happy to be where we are, especially considering where we could be. So much could have happened. Jacob life was hanging on by a thread for so much of this journey. We shouldn't have our little man home with us, in our arms, snuggling in close. But, we are here. God was on our side. Denial was our protection.